How I Think Woody Allen Will Spend His 73rd Birthday Today

-Lamenting that the wealth of cholesterol in birthday cake is like a parka around your heart

-Listening to the Jupiter Symphony while vacuuming his bookshelves

-Editing a scene in which Scarlett Johansen tells him her feelings towards him are “complicated”

-Encouraging a small child to re-watch The Sorrow and the Pity

-Wondering if it’s possible to merge your liver spots into a tan