This Week in Old

-Prehistoric humans may have been hunted by giant storks. It turns out your crippling fear of Big Bird is instinctual. (LiveScience)

-Pair of Queen Elizabeth II’s underwear up for auction expected to go anywhere between one “Oh my!” to two “Why I never!’ (New York Magazine)

-U.S. life expectancy dips by about one month. (AARP)

-Helen Thomas says that Congress is “owned by the Zionists.” (CNN)

-80-year-old ex-sailor auctioning off an old watch on eBay starts the bidding at $9.95, sells it for $66,100. (Hodinkee)

-Noah’s Ark-themed amusement park is coming to Kentucky. (New York Times)

-This Grandma bumps and grinds something besides the bones in her knees against one another. (Gawker)

Elderism #96

“As you know, no one over 30 is afraid of tittle-tattle. I find it much less difficult to strangle a man than to fear him.”

–Queen Christina of Sweden

Elderism #95

“He knows that’s not going to happen. Plus, he has a lot of girlfriends. He calls them ‘the coalition of the willing.'”

–Jane Fonda, asked last week about rumors that her ex, Ted Turner, wants her back.

This Week in Old

-This year’s “80 Over 80” list was unfortunately based on influence and achievement, not talent or swimsuit. (Slate)

-Latest batch of documents from Wikileaks include US Embassy cables that call Kim Jong-Il a “flabby old chap.” Wikileaks: Two parts Pentagon Papers, one part US Weekly. (Guardian)

-Charles Rangel is officially the “Bad Boy” of Congress. (New York Times)

-Former Living New York Landmark Elaine Kauffman is knocking back beers at that big poker table in the sky. (New York Post)

-Your grandparents can cross “TV commercials that are too loud” off of their list of what’s wrong with the world today. (Los Angeles Times)

-Never was a smiley-face emoticon more unsettling than when Charles Manson texts it. (Washington Post)

-After all this time Willie Nelson and the authorities have yet to come to an understanding about these sorts of things. (Rolling Stone)

-Lee Harvey Oswald’s casket could be the gift at your office’s Yankee Swap this year. (MSNBC)

Elderism #94

“I’m sitting in the house that Wu-Tang built with their money.”

–74 year-old soul singer Syl Johnson, in an article by Ben Sisario in today’s New York Times. Mr. Johnson’s song “Different Strokes” has been sampled more than 50 times, by, among others, the Wu-Tang Clan, Ice Cube, the Beastie Boys, Kid Rock, and Michael Jackson. Over the years, Johnson has offered his friends and neighbors in Chicago money for ratting out the unauthorized use of his music; collecting money for these samples has become a lucrative side career for him.

Elderism #93

“My relationship with cats has saved me from a deadly and pervasive influence”

–William Burroughs, at age 86. The “Naked Lunch” author became devoted to cats late in his life, even writing a book about them. The Lawrence, Kansas house in which he died was riddled with strays he’d brought in; Burroughs could therein sometimes be heard muttering, “Come here you little whore, you little bitch…”

How They Molt

The Daily Beast recently compiled a list of which common household pets live the longest. Typically, a child’s first animal companion is meant to be a lesson in responsibility and, failing that, mortality. While the creatures on The Daily Beast’s rankings may not help youngsters come to the realization that Nana and her Peanut Butter Blossom cookies are not permanent fixtures on this earth, their longevity does have its benefits. For example, the mimicry abilities of an African Grey Parrot could provide a child with an an audio history of his life, including the sound of his parents singing “Happy Birthday” to him as a boy, as well as that bouquet of salty language he spouted after stubbing his toe on the dining room chair.

And while some of our four-legged and two-winged friends are getting older and older (AARP commemorated Woody Woodpecker’s 70th birthday last week), others are getting younger and younger. The Guardian reports that Harvard scientists have discovered a way to actually reverse the aging process in mice. While it has yet to be determined whether the treatment is effective, or even safe, for humans, the mice are using their new lease on life to finally finish their Masters and get back in touch with their 157 estranged children.

“To” Two

“Henry,” I hear you whispering in my ear, “are you aware that another person besides you has just published a book called ‘How to Live,” and that it, being a life of the French philosopher Montaigne by someone named Sarah Bakewell, is receiving laudatory reviews from precisely the same venues that your own ‘How to Live’ did, and that, in bearing the same name as your own tome, is likely ultimately to drain some of your profit margin when addled Alford fans land on the wrong Amazon page, thus occasioning a slightly sparser showing at the base of the family Christmas tree come December?”

“No,” I would respond. “No, I hadn’t heard that.”

Peaches, It’s Not All About You

I have a story about the Landmark Forum in tomorrow’s New York Times. A successor to Est, the self-help seminar famous in the 70’s for not allowing its participants to use the bathroom during class, the Forum (during which participants are allowed to use the bathroom) is a weekend-long human development class which helps people resolve problems or gaps in their lives. It was one of the more emotionally exhausting weekends of my life; lots and lots of crying in the room–it was like a rain forest in there.

Though jargon-riddled and fairly tireless in its attempts at recruitment, the program is effective for some people–particularly those whose problems (eg, coming out of the closet, making amends) stem from someone’s failure to pick up the phone. As with all forms of self-help, though, there’s a good deal of wariness and antipathy expressed toward Landmark by health professionals and the media; I would suggest that some of this is elitist, coming as it sometimes does from folks who can afford a weekly appointment with a shrink.

Off to the bathroom for me.

Elderism #92

“Cecil DeMille loved the Bible for its stories and its habitual association of naughtiness and high-mindedness. So long as you condemned a sin and allowed for redemption, the orgy was yours, and audiences were sly enough to catch on to that inner bargain–get an eyeful of this and then feel horrified or superior.”

–David Thomson